My dad died February 9, 2021. All that I have learned and talked about for so many years helped me to be at his bedside and be fully present with his dying and my grieving. I want to share a few lessons that I learned on this journey. Thank you for listening, and for your compassion.

1. Families can come together during the time of vigil and bereavement. Things that separated us before can fall away while we do the awesome work of walking together in mutual love for a dear one. For that I am so grateful.
2. So much advocacy is required on behalf of the dying one. There is no substitute for the direct observation and care of the family. It was up to us to make sure that the things we thought were supposed to happen, happened, and vice versa. Like not giving meds that are no longer needed, not giving meds crushed in applesauce when swallowing is no longer possible, making sure orders are communicated to facility staff, not turning a dying person side-to-side every two hours when it causes pain; etc. It is so important to spend as much time there as possible.
3. Every act of kindness on the part of the caregivers is merciful and touches the family members deeply. 
4. Facial tissues that are soft are worth the extra expense.
5. I can Facetime with a sibling for hours even though we may not talk much; it is important and it helps.
6. I can't sleep in a recliner. It's okay to go home when you can't sleep.
7. Even though in your head you know there is no question you are doing the right thing to provide comfort care only, and let go of your 91-year-old father who has suffered with dementia for years, it is normal in your heart to want to say, "Stop! Just kidding! I'm not ready; let's not do this today."
8. There is so much wisdom in caring for the body after death for a day or two and not hurrying the process of saying good-bye.
9. Photos help, at all times, before, during and after. They help us remember, and remembering helps us grieve, and grieving is good.
10. Kind words of love and compassion are so supportive and helpful. I always knew that I should reach out to others in the time of grief; I never knew just how much it helps. The last thing I did before going to sleep was read through facebook comments and the first thing I did upon waking was read through the new ones. Cards, calls, gifts, and offers to postpone commitments are so gracious and appreciated. Now I know.

         -Merilynne ​

​My dad lives in a facility and is dying of dementia. Each week I look at him on a screen. He is being taken care of by caring, young (mostly) women. I am so grateful for them and the love they give him. Some of them are activities directors, some are aides. They each have their individual job description, but a lot of what they do overlaps, especially now during Covid-time. All hands are on deck to be with the residents of assisted living facilities because family, and others, can’t be there. My father’s aide tells me she is spending as much time as possible with the residents. The aides and others know that they are the heart and hands of the family and loved ones right now and they focus even more on providing companionship, touch, humor, love, and so much more.

There are other roles that overlap with caring for people at end-of-life: fixer/handyperson, therapeutic pet care person, meal deliverer, housekeeper… the list goes on and on. The longer someone works in a caring profession, the more they learn by experience about end-of-life. But many of them do not have specific training about specific areas of end-of-life care like the dying process, grief and bereavement (including their own), life review, comfort touch, vigil-ing, community resources, advocacy, advance care planning, and funeral options. That is why so many people are attracted to the end-of-life doula role. The doula learns about and addresses all of these areas. The doula does not replace the other roles; doulas add another layer of support, spend time, focus on companionship, and collaborate with all care providers. Doula-ing is all around us, it is not new. It takes many people in all of our capacities to care for each other. The doula concept brings it all together under one title, but others are still needed. We all need each other. Doulas bring everything they have and everything they are to the work. Doulas are changing end-of-life care.